Reoccurring dream theme!

One of the themes that keeps reoccurring again and again, is my school - which I haven't been to since I was 17, which was over 11 years ago now! - and I've been having school themed dreams since then! The dreams are usually pretty unpleasant.

The last dream that I can remember about school was a few nights ago so my memories of it are a bit vague now. Sofa-pscho-analysists get ready to dissect my subconsciousness.... because this dream was about me not completing my education! And, yes, this is nearly always what these school dreams are about. In this particular dream, I was due to go into an exam along with the rest of the people in my class but I hadn't been to hardly any of the lessons, this was because I'd been ill for a few years. Most of my class mates didn't even bother questioning me anymore on why I hadn't finished pieces of work, or hadn't turned up for projects or why I'd barely been in any of the lessons - basically they'd given up on me and had seen me as a lost cause ( I guess this is kind of how I felt at school towards the end because I was ill, and not myself at all, and I was doing my GCSE's like this).

Anyway back to the actual dream, it was as though the fact that I was ill was irrelevant and no-one saw this as a legitimate reason why I couldn't do 'well', in fact everyone just saw me as a cop-out and a failure, as weak and pathetic and full of poor excuses. I was just about to go into some kind of French exam and I didn't want to admit to the others in my class that I was totally unprepared for this in any way (because I hadn't been able to go to many of the lessons). I felt really ashamed and inadequate. I rushed ahead of everyone else so that I could speak to the teacher and explain to her that I wasn't ready for this exam, and I started to sob. It was Mrs Hawes (one of the lovliest teachers I've ever had), and she was quite understanding as I cried and told her that I'd been unwell and that it wasn't my fault. I don't remember the rest of the dream.

This was quite powerful just writing about this and it's really helped me to see that there's still a lot of things floating about in my mind about the crazyily high unrealistic and unfair expectations that I was under in school and at home, and how even when I was ill there was no compassion or support, but instead only blame and people writing me off as inadequate intead of recognising what I was having to deal with - from all sides.

Anyway, this is already beyond what I'm comfortable airing online, and I may remove some of it at a later time. And I think it really shows me (and in response to Joe's previous comment too) why it's quite challenging to voice some of the more 'negative' dreams on a blog - it feels like what they reveal to me (which is in itself very useful) is so personal that I'm not sure if a blog site is an appropriate place to delve into them. But then again, maybe I need to loosen up a bit and just go for it. There's no point in me editing them down to a boring, shallow overview, without any personal thoughts or feelings as I go - because that is just not me! And also I know that I find it a wonderful relief when I see others being brave and opening up by expressing their inner truths, and I feel a lot of respect for people who can do this. So I'll see how my feelings develop around this in the near future.... watch this space! Bye for now, sweet dreams! Xx