One of the themes that keeps reoccurring again and again, is my school - which I haven't been to since I was 17, which was over 11 years ago now! - and I've been having school themed dreams since then! The dreams are usually pretty unpleasant.
The last dream that I can remember about school was a few nights ago so my memories of it are a bit vague now. Sofa-pscho-analysists get ready to dissect my subconsciousness.... because this dream was about me not completing my education! And, yes, this is nearly always what these school dreams are about. In this particular dream, I was due to go into an exam along with the rest of the people in my class but I hadn't been to hardly any of the lessons, this was because I'd been ill for a few years. Most of my class mates didn't even bother questioning me anymore on why I hadn't finished pieces of work, or hadn't turned up for projects or why I'd barely been in any of the lessons - basically they'd given up on me and had seen me as a lost cause ( I guess this is kind of how I felt at school towards the end because I was ill, and not myself at all, and I was doing my GCSE's like this).
Anyway back to the actual dream, it was as though the fact that I was ill was irrelevant and no-one saw this as a legitimate reason why I couldn't do 'well', in fact everyone just saw me as a cop-out and a failure, as weak and pathetic and full of poor excuses. I was just about to go into some kind of French exam and I didn't want to admit to the others in my class that I was totally unprepared for this in any way (because I hadn't been able to go to many of the lessons). I felt really ashamed and inadequate. I rushed ahead of everyone else so that I could speak to the teacher and explain to her that I wasn't ready for this exam, and I started to sob. It was Mrs Hawes (one of the lovliest teachers I've ever had), and she was quite understanding as I cried and told her that I'd been unwell and that it wasn't my fault. I don't remember the rest of the dream.
This was quite powerful just writing about this and it's really helped me to see that there's still a lot of things floating about in my mind about the crazyily high unrealistic and unfair expectations that I was under in school and at home, and how even when I was ill there was no compassion or support, but instead only blame and people writing me off as inadequate intead of recognising what I was having to deal with - from all sides.
Anyway, this is already beyond what I'm comfortable airing online, and I may remove some of it at a later time. And I think it really shows me (and in response to Joe's previous comment too) why it's quite challenging to voice some of the more 'negative' dreams on a blog - it feels like what they reveal to me (which is in itself very useful) is so personal that I'm not sure if a blog site is an appropriate place to delve into them. But then again, maybe I need to loosen up a bit and just go for it. There's no point in me editing them down to a boring, shallow overview, without any personal thoughts or feelings as I go - because that is just not me! And also I know that I find it a wonderful relief when I see others being brave and opening up by expressing their inner truths, and I feel a lot of respect for people who can do this. So I'll see how my feelings develop around this in the near future.... watch this space! Bye for now, sweet dreams! Xx
Tuesday 17 February 2009
Wednesday 11 February 2009
Not much to report frrom the inner land of nod today
The dream I had 2 nights ago was rather disturbing and surprising and I won't go into it too much, basically because some things are best left in the dream world! It was basically about my ex-husband (who I've been separated from for over 4 years now) dying in his deathbed! I'd been called to be there as he 'went'! And then a guy that we both used to work with turned up and started being a right d**k head!
And last night's dream was very vague and I don't really remember any of it now. Ah well, must get rearranging my flat, doh!
And last night's dream was very vague and I don't really remember any of it now. Ah well, must get rearranging my flat, doh!
Sunday 8 February 2009
First blog
Hello there! This is my first blog!
I'm going to write up as much as I can remember of the last dream that I can remember, if you're with me! I had this dream 2 nights ago. I'm going to write it in the present tense because it helps me to remember it more clearly....
I've just arrived in India (I've never actually been to India but would love to go), and I've got a lot of luggage with me because I'm going to be staying in a hotel rather than backpacking around. I get into big horse-drawn bus(!) which is being driven by a rather sleezy character - a man in his 50's whose overweight and who has little respect for anyone other than himself. As the 'bus' pulls off I can just about make out the horse's ears at the front of the carriage which is very high up. The driver keeps whipping the horse and making it go faster and faster so that we're speeding along at a crazy pace. I shout at the man "slow down!" and he laughs thinking that I'm just scared of the speed, but I'm actually really angry with him for being so cruel and driving the poor horse so hard. I shout again, "slow down for God's sake! I really hate how you're treating that animal and if you don't slow down I'll get off the bus and you won't have my money!" The driver pulls on the horse's reins and we slow down and a middle aged English lady whose travelling with her husband turns to me and congratulates me on my assertiveness.
As we continue to travel along a wide red dirt track, the driver keeps turning around in his seat trying to grope me. I find him totally disgusting - he's a stereotypical lecherous man, the kind that has no respect for women and who is quite likely alcoholic (hey, I'm dreaming so I'm allowed to judge!). I move seats so that I'm far away from him, and as I look out of the glassless windows I see a beautiful mountainous landscape covered with dense lushious forest. Eventually we arrive at a hotel and loads of Indian men in hotel uniform rush towards the bus to help us get out and to carry the luggage. I pay the driver a very specific amount of money - the payment has to be ten notes, each to the value of '20' (but it's not rupees, it's a currency I don't recognise), and then I have to tip him, and the English lady guides me about this by pointing to a notice in the bus which states that the tip should cover the cost of a new shirt (as the driver gets very sweaty whilst working and needs lots of changes of shirt!?!).
Once inside the hotel I feel a bit scared - it's the first time I've ever been abroad on my own and I feel like everyone can tell that I'm nervous and clueless, I feel like all of the hotel staff are staring at me as I'm taken through lots of corridors and swinging doors until I get to an open plan bar area which is sheltered but one wall is totally open to the garden outside. I'm told to sit at a high bar table and a lady comes over with lots of rough pieces of poorly photo-copied paper. She signs me in to the hotel and as she goes through the checking-in process I realise that she's British and that she seems very confident and self-assured. I ask her lots of questions, and feel like I really don't know what's happening - it's like I'm here at this hotel in India, but I don't remeber planning or booking anything, and I don't really know how I even came to be here! She walks off to do something else, and I drink the drink I've been given and see that there's another girl at another table who's also checking-in to the hotel. She's laughing loudly and talking so that everyone can hear what she's saying, and I get the sense that she's very aware of this!
Shortly after I'm shown to my room, room number 17. An oriental lady in a formal skirt and blazer unlocks the door for me, and on the other side of the door is a curved staircase, half-way up and on the left is an open-plan area with a desk and chair and on the desk are a vase of flowers, a telephone and cables for internet connection. At the top of the stairs we walk straight into the bedroom area. It's fairly basic but comfortable. The lady asks me if I want anything and I ask for some tea - lemon tea I think, and then I'm left alone. [will finish this blog later Xx]
I'm going to write up as much as I can remember of the last dream that I can remember, if you're with me! I had this dream 2 nights ago. I'm going to write it in the present tense because it helps me to remember it more clearly....
I've just arrived in India (I've never actually been to India but would love to go), and I've got a lot of luggage with me because I'm going to be staying in a hotel rather than backpacking around. I get into big horse-drawn bus(!) which is being driven by a rather sleezy character - a man in his 50's whose overweight and who has little respect for anyone other than himself. As the 'bus' pulls off I can just about make out the horse's ears at the front of the carriage which is very high up. The driver keeps whipping the horse and making it go faster and faster so that we're speeding along at a crazy pace. I shout at the man "slow down!" and he laughs thinking that I'm just scared of the speed, but I'm actually really angry with him for being so cruel and driving the poor horse so hard. I shout again, "slow down for God's sake! I really hate how you're treating that animal and if you don't slow down I'll get off the bus and you won't have my money!" The driver pulls on the horse's reins and we slow down and a middle aged English lady whose travelling with her husband turns to me and congratulates me on my assertiveness.
As we continue to travel along a wide red dirt track, the driver keeps turning around in his seat trying to grope me. I find him totally disgusting - he's a stereotypical lecherous man, the kind that has no respect for women and who is quite likely alcoholic (hey, I'm dreaming so I'm allowed to judge!). I move seats so that I'm far away from him, and as I look out of the glassless windows I see a beautiful mountainous landscape covered with dense lushious forest. Eventually we arrive at a hotel and loads of Indian men in hotel uniform rush towards the bus to help us get out and to carry the luggage. I pay the driver a very specific amount of money - the payment has to be ten notes, each to the value of '20' (but it's not rupees, it's a currency I don't recognise), and then I have to tip him, and the English lady guides me about this by pointing to a notice in the bus which states that the tip should cover the cost of a new shirt (as the driver gets very sweaty whilst working and needs lots of changes of shirt!?!).
Once inside the hotel I feel a bit scared - it's the first time I've ever been abroad on my own and I feel like everyone can tell that I'm nervous and clueless, I feel like all of the hotel staff are staring at me as I'm taken through lots of corridors and swinging doors until I get to an open plan bar area which is sheltered but one wall is totally open to the garden outside. I'm told to sit at a high bar table and a lady comes over with lots of rough pieces of poorly photo-copied paper. She signs me in to the hotel and as she goes through the checking-in process I realise that she's British and that she seems very confident and self-assured. I ask her lots of questions, and feel like I really don't know what's happening - it's like I'm here at this hotel in India, but I don't remeber planning or booking anything, and I don't really know how I even came to be here! She walks off to do something else, and I drink the drink I've been given and see that there's another girl at another table who's also checking-in to the hotel. She's laughing loudly and talking so that everyone can hear what she's saying, and I get the sense that she's very aware of this!
Shortly after I'm shown to my room, room number 17. An oriental lady in a formal skirt and blazer unlocks the door for me, and on the other side of the door is a curved staircase, half-way up and on the left is an open-plan area with a desk and chair and on the desk are a vase of flowers, a telephone and cables for internet connection. At the top of the stairs we walk straight into the bedroom area. It's fairly basic but comfortable. The lady asks me if I want anything and I ask for some tea - lemon tea I think, and then I'm left alone. [will finish this blog later Xx]
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